Tuesday, November 3, 2015

03112015

There will be a day, when (we) will be able to smile and talk about the thing(s) (we) once regretted.
There will be a day when (we) can, through tears, voice out those time that have passed.
Light, thin stray hairs and folded corners of clothes, the heart beats so that (we) can meet once again

以後別做朋友


I’m used to hear you share the details of your life

Afraid that I will destroy the perfect point of balance

Keeping a distance, a heart’s distance

Then you won’t able to hear my loneliness

I stepped back to the past as you fly towards the future

Met the right person but missed the chance

You are already standing right here in front of me

But I keep saying goodbye

Let’s not be friends anymore because friends aren’t lovers

The impulse to love you, I can only smile and let it go

As best friends, there are some dreams which cannot be told

Then I don’t have to bear, the heartache of losing you

Drawing a safe boundary in the sky

No one is allowed to shed tears for us

Giving up the chance to really love someone

Only to see you happy forever

It’s so torturing to control myself as I’m about to breakdown, this is my own fault

The past is a wound that can never be healed

We will still be friends, you are still the one who understands me the most

We will have a beginning and an end, until the world ends

As my friend forever, give me your blessing, after I meet love again

Wish me luck that I will be brave and hold her forever

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Down in the dumps

No matter how hard you work and how much effort you've put in people will never appreciate it. And they would expect you to be alright with it. 
No matter how much i try to speak to people about what's bringing me down, it doesn't seem to aid in anyway anymore. And i would just have to suck it up and remind myself that life isn't always a bed full of roses.
I feel like every morning i'm just dragging myself up from bed and with every heavy footsteps, i drag myself to do what i had to do. Take in all the daily dosage of shits from people & complete every single task before ending my day on a dreadful note that tomorrow will still be the same. It's not longer the good kind of tired i initially felt. Sometimes i guess i lose myself in trying to accomplish what everyone else wants out of me. It's no longer about me or what i want, its about them and what they want.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Love Is...

 It has been exactly 4 months into this Marriage

(technically is kinda surprise many people when they know  finally i'm marriage ).
I have been asked 'How is it going?' for so many times..
& I would always reply 'Okay ah!', because it really is!

In fact, for the past 4 months since  became husband and wife
our relationship has been even stronger than before :)
I just decided to skip all the details because I believe that as much as I am quite open about this relationship,
there are still some things that are meant to be kept between us two
i.e. the ups and downs that we experienced, like any other couples.
Nevertheless, there are some general thoughts which I thought I could share,
from my own experiences and mainly from the love stories which I have heard from others lately.
This is just a random post that I'm typing away at 1am,
so yea, just bits and pieces of my thoughts.


I cannot tell you exactly what love is; nobody can.
We all have different definitions of it.
One thing for sure, is that love in the long-run,
is not just about those racing heart and fluttery feelings.
Those butterflies in your stomach will not be in there for decades.
That newness and freshness of a relationship will wear off at some point of time.
If you base 'love' solely on such feelings,
you will only find yourself losing interest very often.
And you wonder why it never worked out with any of them?
That is because you have only fallen in love with the idea of falling in love,
and not with the partner that you are with.
When you are in love with your partner,
you think of ways to recreate the sparks every now and then,
& you make a choice to fall in love with your partner over and over again.
You focus on his/her strengths while both of you work on the weaknesses together.
You grow together.

You know how we sometimes turn to our close friends for advices
when we encounter hiccups or are troubled by some issues regarding the relationship?
While it is good to listen to the opinions of others to have a wider view
or different perspective of the issue,
you gotta remind yourself that at the end of the day,
your friends' view of the relationship may be just on the surface.
Only you will know best how your partner is really like,
how well (or bad) he/she has been treating you.
All the little daily things that your partner does for you,
your friends will not see it.
(Or if your partner is cold to you but appears loving in front of your friends,
your friends will not see it too.)
So while it's good to listen to your friends' views from a 3rd person perspective,
you ought to be clear-headed to judge for yourself!
Unfortunately, there will also be one or two friends who somehow believe that they are love gurus
(when they are leading a screwed-up life themselves),
and they will give you opinions of what they think about your relationship even when you did not ask for it.
Ignore their advices, really.
They impose their own definition of 'love' onto your relationship
and being Mr/Miss Know-it-all,
they think that you should listen to them. *inserts eye-rolling emoticon*

I've questioned myself 'what is love?'
& 'how do I know when someone truly loves me/I love someone?' so many times before
(and I still do so once in a while).
But I guess, over the years, I have slowly formed my own definition of 'love'.
To me, I feel love when I can feel the support and commitment from my partner.
Love is when my partner knows my insecurities, but instead of being furious with me for having those silly thoughts,
he listens and does his best to assure me, over and over again.
Love is when I know that I am a part of his plans for the future.
Most importantly, love is when I feel that immense joy when my partner is happy;
love is when I genuinely enjoy making my partner happy and I know he feels the same way too.
I believe, in order for a relationship to be strong,
both parties need to know each other's definition of love,
and only after understanding the depth of this love that both share,
they can then work hand-in-hand towards a strong and loving relationship,
that can last for many decades. :)

Abrupt ending here but I'll definitely share more thoughts if they come across my mind!

Dear 19 year-old me

I was just looking through my very first few blog posts on this blog
(some of which are already kept as drafts), and all those memories came flooding back.
So I decided to write a letter to 19 year-old me
(instead of writing to 16/17 year-old me like what many did),
because that was a tough year for me.
Dear 19 year-old me,
You are not experiencing the worst stage of your life.
Whatever shit you are dealing with now, are just chapters of your life that you will look back and laugh at.
Stop hurting yourself; because when you do so, you are not just hurting yourself, you are also hurting your loved ones. 
And those physical pains are not going to solve your problems.
Deal with them, not escape. 
You feel that all is lost. I know you are having thoughts to call it quits. 
Thank you, thank you for not being so silly and selfish. 
Otherwise, there wouldn't be a me now to tell you all these.
Thank you, for holding on.


**************


Forgive him. You will take a few years to let it go eventually,
and you will cry over him very oftenly, but you will eventually take it easier.
Know that you will always be his silly little girl, and he will always love you,
no matter how little he shows it. 
I know that you are looking forward to the day that he walk you down the aisle, so am I.
As for that young man who let you go, forget him.
Well, you will take almost a year to let go fully, but time will heal this wound.
Yes, there are things that I wish I could have told you earlier
so that you could make the relationship work and prolly last longer than it did,
but hey, no worries at all, you will realise that it was just not meant to be.
And no, it is not entirely your fault.
You are innocent (or rather, ignorant), but it is perfectly okay.
You can stop hoping that you will be back to being good friends, like before.
It will not happen.
Years from now, you will be looking back at this relationship,
wishing that you handled the breakup better.
This will probably be one of your lifetime regrets, but you will learn alot from it and move on.
Stop comparing yourself with others, and you will be so much happier.
Compare only with your own progress.
Others will always compare you with someone else,
or see you as their competition and make your life difficult, let them be.
You just focus on your own race, and never allow that inferiority of yours to take control.
Some of your close friends now, will still be your closest several years later.
You will realise that these are your true friends who will never judge you,
and will always be supporting you. 
You will meet new friends.
Some will be passer-bys in your life, while some will stay.
You will learn to filter people from your life,
and learn to be careful with your inner circle of trust.

That buddy of yours? 
You will never see this coming, but he will be your other half in years to come.
Don't laugh! It will happen.
Oh wait, you will almost get together with him 2 years from now,
but please just let it remain as an 'almost'!
You will be glad that both of you missed that chance.
Be patient, and wait for another 2 years. Because that will then be the best timing for the both of you.
Anyway, both of you will help each other to grow,
and you will be glad to be in love with your best (guy) friend.
You will take your first plane ride when you are 21,
and you will fall in love with traveling when you turn 23.
Travel is never a bad investment.
Do not allow money to stop you from exploring the world; sort out your finances properly,
and you will definitely be able to fork out some amount for the trips.
By 25, you will not have purchased a single branded bag,
because you will rather spend it on traveling. Keep it that way.

There are times when you will be frustrated with your own things,
and you will lose your temper.
Sometimes, you will forget that while you are growing up, she is growing older and weaker too.
I wish I could remind you that constantly..
Please work harder in giving her a better life that she truly deserves.
I am angry with you for those huge quarrels you had with your sister,
it pains her terribly, you know?
She is the one who will often see the worst side of you;
those days when you lock yourself in the room to cry badly, she knows.
Talk to her; she wants to listen and know more about what is going on in your life.
As she grows older, she will start to repeat the things that she says,
but listen to her and let her talk.
You want her to be happy, but guess what?
She told me that for her to be happy, you must first be happy too.
Her unconditional love, will keep you going strong.
Last but not least, you knew what your passion is all these while;
so pursue it with all your heart. 
It will be very tough, but you gotta believe that it will all work out. 
Well, it may not work out exactly the way you wish it will,
and there will be so many disheartening moments,
but you will learn from all those falls and you will get up stronger than before.
Don't fret about those failures, just try your best to not stay down for too long
and do not be too harsh on yourself.
You need to get up and continue your journey!
Let me tell you frankly: the years ahead will be a bumpy one, 
but fret not, you will get through them eventually.
Keep going, take chances and do not be afraid to try.
Remember your motto?
'If you don't try, you miss all your chances.'
Do not worry about the mistakes that you will make along the way.
These mistakes that you make will make me who I am now, 
and help me to be stronger than ever.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Ruang Kosong

Kini akan ku isi ruang kosong itu dengan cahayaNya, dengan rahmatNya dengan cintaNya.
.
Tak akan kubiarkan kosong begitu saja, sudahlah cukup buatku masa-masa dimana aku melupakanNya.
.
DIA lah penolongku dimana ketika hati ini buta, seakan DIA berbisik kepadaku "kau milikKu, dia pun milikKu kenapa kau lebih memilihnya dari pada KU, aku jauhkan dirimu dari dirinya agar kamu sadar AKU pun bisa cemburu"
.
Bisikan itu membuat hati ini stak, terdiam seribu bisu. Aku salah dan aku malu padaMu, aku harus kemana dan bagaimana?
.
Akhirnya DIA menuntunku, KAU perlihatkan sisi lain dari kehidupan orang biasa, merekalah para perindu syurga.
.
Aku belajar sedikit demi sedikit untuk masuk ke dunianya, dimana hari-hari dihabiskan hanya untuk mencintaiMu.
.
KAU kirimkan aku orang-orang terbaikMu, agar aku tidak sendiri, agar aku sama sama belajar, agar aku sama sama bergerak bersama mereka menjalankan misi dan visi yang sama yaitu menuju ke ridhoan mu.
.
Aku bukanlah manusia taat, mungkin aku lebih buruk darimu tapi selalu ada kemauan dalam hati ini untuk menjadi yang terbaik dihadapanNya.
.
Ijinkan aku mengambil sedikit dari ilmuMu, untuk mengisi Ruang Kosong ini. Tak akan kubiarkan berdebu dan mati, biarlah tetap kosong dalam keadaan rapih sampai KAU ijin kan aku mengisinya kembali.



.
#Tentangrindu

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Bukan aku berusaha melupakanmu, bukan itu.
Tapi rupanya, sebuah rumah teduh akhirnya menjadi kebutuhan hatiku.
Rumah yang mampu menerima seadaku dan keberadaanku.
Yang akan kutinggali hingga masa tuaku; masa depanku.
Masa depanku yang ternyata bukan tinggal di rumah hatimu.

To Where You Are

Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory’s so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn’t faith believing
All power can’t be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
‘Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

I know you’re there
A breath away’s not far
To where you are

Sunday, April 5, 2015

A perfect letter for your name, yet not as perfect as your imperfection.

Beberapa hari lalu, aku melihat foto sebuket bunga. Bunga Mawar. Foto itu kulihat dari halaman media sosial yang kerap kali kau kunjungi juga. Bunga-bunganya bagus. Dirangkai dengan indah, sungguh.



******

Surat ini hanya ingin mencoba mengingatkanku, bahwa tak selamanya yang kuinginkan akan terjadi padaku.
Mungkin di hari-hari yang lalu aku pernah menginginkan kita tetap di kota ibumu ini dan menikmati rintik-rintik musim penghujannya bersama. Pernah ingin kembali piknik, sambil mendengarkan lagu-lagumu yang bisa membuatku bosan, meskipun aku takkan pernah melepaskan headsetnya. Pernah menginginkan tidak sengaja nonton sinetron bersama, lalu melempari televisi dengan sendal atau apalah. Pernah menginginkan bunga itu. Dan semuanya itu tak pernah terjadi padaku.

Akhirnya, aku pernah menunggumu. Pernah sedih karena kau sudah sibuk pada hari-hari barumu. Tapi itu sudah pernah. Dan aku sudah bosan.
Kau pasti punya alasan mengapa berubah. Bila suatu hari nanti bertemu lagi, dan kau mau menjelaskannya, aku pasti mau mendengarkan. Tapi urusan percaya atau tidak, itu belakangan. Kita masih berteman, kan?



Akhirnya aku mau mengingatkanmu: aku pernah menginginkanmu. Lalu akan ada saatnya kau menginginkan orang lain, dan ia tidak akan terjadi padamu. Tidak akan, bahkan sampai doamu yang kesekian.





Friday, February 20, 2015



I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

Seketika lantunan irama dan lirik lagu tersebut menyelinap masuk ketelinga, melaju pesat menuju pusat otak.
seketika itu pula segala ingatan berputar pada masa yang tak ingin lagi terkenang.

Saat itu,
Kita begitu sombong menentang kehendak Tuhan. 
Mendahului apa yang seharusnya terjadi 
Memaksa kata "Iya" pada kata yang seharusnya "Tidak"
Memaksa kata "benar" pada hal yang "salah".
Memaksa kata "setuju" pada segala yang tidak dibenarkan.

Kita terlalu yakin pada apa yang kita yakini, bahwa kita tak adalah jodoh.
Bersatu dan tak akan ada yang memisahkan.

Cinta,
ya, sebut saja itu cinta. atau mungkin itu hanya kata yang dapat kita gunakan sebagai alasan untuk menentang semua.

sampai pada titik dimana waktu tak mampu lagi berbohong, 
Kau tahu, aku tahu, kita tahu.
bahwa sebenarnya kita tak akan pernah satu hanya saja kita terlalu sombong untuk berkata tidak.

dan seiring berjalan
kita menjadi pesakitan.
Kau menyakiti ku
Aku menyakiti mu.

Kita berpelukan erat dan menikam satu sama lain tanpa belas kasih.
Lalu kau pergi 
Menyerah.. 
Aku terdiam. 

Kamu bilang hati mu hanya ku namun tidak begitu adanya.
Bukan kah cinta tak akan pernah berkhianat
Bukan kah cinta ta akan pernah menyakiti.

Kamu berkata tak akan mampu hidup tanpa ku;
Bagaimana kamu menghabiskan waktu mu tanpa tawa dan tangis ku ; tanpa senyum dan marah mu.


Kau tahu ; 
Kita hanya terikat pada rasa takut : Sepi 
Kita hanya dihantui pada keadaan ; sendiri 


*****

Pada akhirnya aku tertawa mengingat nya

Iya kau hanya pembual tangguh,
Lihat lah tanpa ku kau tetap hidup, 
Akuilah kau lebih ringan untuk berganti pasangan sebanyak mengganti pakaian.

Kau terlalu mudah.
Mudah meyakinkan lalu melukai hingga menyakiti dengan sadar atau tidak kau membunuh mereka perlahan.
Iya senjata tipu daya mu.

Aku pada akhirnya bahagia ; tidak mati ditanganmu


But you were history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then


Lagu itu mulai mencapai bait akhir 
Lalu wanita yang termenung menatap diri nya dicermin berkata 

;
Aku lupa bahwa aku sakit
Aku lupa bahwa aku pernah cinta
tapi aku tak akan lupa ;
Kau pernah datang dan menetap sementara
Membuatku belajar ;
Kekuatanku
Dan itu yang akhirnya buatmu sadar
Membuat ku hancur akan semakin menghancurkan mu



Tuesday, January 20, 2015

20 01 2015

Menemukan 1 diantara 365 itu sulit jika kamu membuka mata dan membiarkan telingamu terkontaminasi oleh mereka yang sibuk mencelotehkan hal-hal ini dan itu — bersyukur — hari kedua puluh, bulan pertama, di tahun ini — semua akan berubah :)

Monday, January 19, 2015

Kepada Ia, Perempuan Sesudah Aku


kawan, kepadamu aku sering keheranan
bagaimana bisa, engkau diperdaya ia yang
tak punya daya setelah habis kuperdaya?

engkau hanya sebatas buatnya kagum
tapi tak sekali-kali ia merasa nyaman
engkau hanya sebatas buatnya bahagia
tapi tak kan sudi merawat luka-lukanya

dan kedegilan hatiku, kata pria itu
seperti kijang haus yang tetap berlarian
meski tahu hutan dalam tahun kekeringan

kau bisa menganggapku sebagai gema
yang hingga kini bergaung di kepalanya
lebih nyaring, dari tuhan yang menjerit

Saturday, January 17, 2015

"mereka"

Hanya kesempatan yang selalu punya harapan
tetapi
bagaimana mungkin kamu menghidupkan “mereka”
yang sudah terbaring mati berhiaskan tanah basah,
harum bunga serta nisan indah?
Maka biarkanlah “mereka” mengering,
dan menyatu dengan alam karena waktu akan terus berjalan.
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