Recently, I read another book by Andy
Andrews,
"The
Noticer"
(The first book I read was The Traveler's Gift, which helped me quite a
bit during that period of time.
Itchanged my mindset on how I look at
things..)
So anyways, once again, there were some
takeaways from this book.
The one that left the most impression
on me
was the part where the author mentioned,
"The way we feel
loved is usually the same way we express love."
From there, he mentioned that there are
generally FOUR dialects
that we use to relate & feel
love.
Some of us feel loved when we hear
words of approval,
some feel loved when you spend quality
time with them,
some feel loved when you give them a
hug,
some think that love is expressed when
you do things for them.
& so, for each dialect, he used an
animal as example.
1. Spoken words of
approval - Animal Representative: Puppy
Tell a puppy how wonderful he is and
his whole body swags.
And how do we teach a puppy most
effectively?
With praise! E.g. "Good
boy!"
So yes, in this case, words of approval
keep these people going.
When you praise them, they feel that
you have been noticing them
& they feel loved this way.
Caution: For this category, nothing is
more devastating
than words of disapproval spoken in an
angry tone of voice.
You see, puppies cower as if they are
under attack.
So words of disapproval will usually
hurt them & make them feel less loved.
Therefore, when handling these
people,
you have to be very careful with how
you phrase your words,
because words affect them a lot.
2. Favours &
Deeds - Animal Representative: Goldfish
"You cant really touch them.
I dont know if they can hear you even
if you do talk to them,
so they dont want your
affirmation.
& as for quality time, they don't
care if you're there or not.
A goldfish just wants you to feed them
and clean the bowl!"
The people in this category feels loved
when you do things for them.
For e.g. your partner feels your love
for him/her
if you would clear the laundry, trim
the plants,
grab their favourite food for them,
etc.
In this case, words of praises do not
work as well on them;
they prefer to see the actions being
done.
3. Physical contact -
Animal Representative: Cat
In short, cats just want to be rubbed
and scratched,
they love it when you pat them.
They love the physical contact; that is
how they feel most loved.
And how does a cat express love?
A cat will rub against you with its
face or back.
"Touch me," a cat says.
A
simple pat on the back, a massage, a hug or a kiss;
people who speak this dialect of
physical contact tend to feel most loved
when affection is expressed in these
forms.
4. Quality Time -
Animal Representative: Canary
A canary is happiest when you sit &
listen carefully to its song.
And a canary that is ignored will
die,
not from lack of food but lack of love
and attention.
If the person you love falls into this category,
it means that he/she needs to spend
quality time with you to feel your love.
In order to be happy, he/she wants
quality time spent alone with you,
& during this time, he/she wants
undivided attention from you,
perhaps a good chat or even just doing
simple things together like watching movie
or having a meal together.
A canary says, "Just be with
me."
Andy Andrews mentioned,
"These dialects, when you
get good at spotting them,
can help you
communicate
with your kids, your friends,
even people you work with.
Won't the world be a better place when
we understand them all?"
Indeed!
By understanding the dialects,
you will learn how to
love the people around you
in ways that they
want to be loved.
It helps, a lot.
You know how sometimes, at a point of
the relationship,
one party may feel that the other party
is not loving him/her as much as before?
I think this is a common problem faced
in many relationships..
Well now you know,
that could be simply because they have
never fully understood
the other party's dialect of
love.
& once you do, the relationship can
definitely be salvaged.
"Just because
someone doesn't love you
the
way you want them to,
it
doesn't mean they don't love you
with all they
have."
We cannot blindly express love to the
people we love
in the same ways that make us feel
loved,
& expect them to be contented and
happy.
What if they tell you that they don't
feel loved
even though you have expressed your love
in the best way that you could?
Does that mean that one party is loving
lesser?Does that mean that this relationship cannot work out for sure? It
could just be due to the different dialects of love.
Thus, it is important to communicate
and understand the other party's dialect of love.
That being said, it is important to
know YOUR dialect of love as well,
so that you can communicate it to the
people who love you.
YOU should be allowed to feel loved
too.
I found this really useful & I
hope it was useful for you too :)
Besides this, allow me to share more
about this book!
Basically, "The
Noticer" is a book
which reminded me to look at things
from different perspectives.
It is about an old man aka The
Noticer,
who always appeared at the right time
to different people,
to save them from their
situations.
How did he do so?
Simply by talking to them
& inserting a different perspective
to how they viewed their situations;
allowing them to see things in a
different way.
"In desperate times, much more
than anything else, folks need perspective.
For perspective brings calm. Calm leads
to clear thinking.
Clear thinking yields new ideas.
And ideas produce the bloom...of an
answer.
Keep your head and heart clear.
Perspective can just as easily be lost
as it can be found."
Cliche as it sounds, but perspectives
make a whole lot of difference.
You know how sometimes when we get
too used to the idea that we are in 'misery',
we tend to focus on
the negative,
& you have those
kind of
'when you think it
can't get any worse, it can.' feeling?
You know, in such circumstances, we have two choices.
To be positive &
pull yourself outta that misery & self-pity state,
or continue to be all
negative & fall deeper into the hole.
Either way, it's not
going to be easy;
but being positive
can definitely bring about a better outcome.
"Remember, whatever
you focus upon, increases...
When you focus on the
things you need, you'll find those needs increasing.
If you concentrate
your thoughts on what you don't have,
you will soon be
concentrating on other things that you had forgotten you don't have
-and feel
worse!
If you set your mind
on loss, you are more likely to lose...
But a grateful
perspective brings happiness and abundance into a person's life."
The Noticer has also reminded me that
intention, without any act,
is simply useless.
"Despite
popular belief to the contrary, there is absolutely no power in
intention.
The
seagull may intend to fly away, may decide to do so,
may
talk with the other seagulls about how wonderful it is to fly,
but
until the seagull flaps his wings and takes to the air,
he is
still on the dock.
There’s
no difference between that gull and all the others.
Likewise, there
is no difference in the person who intends to do things differently
and the
one who never thinks about it in the first place.
Have
you ever considered how often we judge ourselves by our intentions
while
we judge others by their actions?
Yet
intention without action is an insult to those who expect the best from
you."
How often have we intended to do
something,
but ended up not doing it.
&
then we console ourselves by thinking,
"I
wanted to.. well, at least I intended to."
Now
we know, fact is, that "intention" made no difference..
Last
but not least,
this
phrase was definitely one of my favourites.
"Everybody wants to be on the mountaintop,
but if
you'll remember, mountaintops are rocky and cold.
There
is no growth on the top of a mountain.
Sure,
the view is great, but what's a view for?
A view
just gives us a glimpse of our next destination-our next target.
But to
hit that target, we must come off the mountain,
go
through the valley, and begin to climb the next slope.
It is
in the valley that we slog through the lush grass and rich soil,
learning
and becoming what enables us to summit life's next peak."
Yes,
it is always good to set targets for ourselves.
But do we stop once we reach the target,
be complacent & remain stagnant?
No
we don't!
We can enjoy the fruits of our labour,
but
never stop too long to admire the view,
that you forget to move on & look further.
Never be afraid to go through another level of obstacles,
to
reach the next target.
Keep going, further & better!!
This
book was really easy to read, & I got it from the library.
Hopefully
my sharing has helped you in one way or another :)
_P.S I think I am a canary with a bit of puppy nature
(because words of disapproval affect me a lot).
What about you?!
